Bite My Tongue Friday: Purple Prose

by Stacy on December 19, 2008

This one comes courtesy of this month’s issue of Motorcyclist magazine.

While reading an article covering the new BMW F800GS, I came across the following two paragraphs, bold emphasis mine:

Second wind for your Faithful Correspondent came when the trail system opened up and we transitioned from slow-dancing with dreadnaughts [sic] to Thunderdome desert blasting. Crow hopping from rock to rock at 80 mph is fun, Bubba, an alluring scent of bad fun that’ll land you in the trauma ward in a hurry — but this bike smiles like a St. Pauli Girl. No matter how coarsely you smack her broad Bavarian rump, she just serves up another round.

Cutting way too deep into one corner, I tapped the back brake and got bent badly out of shape, sawing at the bars and kicking lowside rocks out of the way until the only thing left to do was pour the coal to it and pray, but this year’s Gelände/Straße is a jet pack for adventure squids. Wanton as an ovulating stripper, she snapped her tail around and clawed furiously out of the turn, perforating the sacred Native American ground with little black scores of toasted knobby, flat-out-belly-to-the-ground and I. Slowed. Down.

Dear Jack Lewis: Really? “Wanton as an ovulating stripper”? Really?

Before anyone accuses me of being a joy killer, know that my humor definitely has a foot in the non-politically correct side of the lawn. But seriously, this article would make the Minnesota Vikings proud.

In contrast here’s MCN’s take on the same bike, during the same press demo ride:

On the sort of surfaces where maximum power becomes irrelevant, the F800GS has plenty of grunt and with the right tires is very capable. On the other hand, it clearly does not offer the sport-touring capabilities of its big boxer brother, the R1200GS. If off-road exploring is something you will actually do — not just a social façade — the F800GS is a very desirable ride.

Dry, but to the point. There’s a reason why I pay for MCN after all.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Ken Linder December 21, 2008 at 10:16 am

Hi Bolty!

That review was, without a doubt in my mind, one of the worst examples of American motorcycle literature. Smacking a woman on her …”broad Bavarian rump…” as she smiles and continues to serve? WOW.

I am glad I don’t pay money for Motorcyclist.

Ride safe!
-Ken

2 Earl Thomas December 21, 2008 at 3:30 pm

Back in the 80’s I was a big fan of Motorcyclist (back in the Lance Holst, Nick Ienatsch days). Occasionally I’ll buy an issue for a specific bike review and more often than not, end up a little put off by their sense of humor.

I just don’t get the sense of humor from those folks over at Motorcyclist anymore.

E.T.

3 Stacy December 22, 2008 at 10:57 am

@Ken: Honestly, I didn’t even want to get into the sexism in the article, since talking about sexism in motorcycle journalism is like beating a dead horse. Still, I’m surprised that there are still people (i.e. magazine editors, who are mostly men) who are mystified that women don’t seem to want to subscribe to motorcycle magazines. If they’d like to know why, they can read this article.

@Earl: There’s always MCN, which has no humor at all. (I kid, I kid!)

4 irondad December 23, 2008 at 12:35 pm

That’s what you get when you let a desert rat play with a word processor. After all, there’s a reason Lewis spent so much time out in the sand by himself! As a side note, I’m old enough to have subscribed to MCN since it was Road Runner. That’s definitely NOT funny.

5 Jack Lewis January 8, 2009 at 9:23 pm

Bet you’ll love this, Sharon:

http://powderwritingbywomenintheranks.blogspot.com/2008/11/sexist-guy-digs-book.html

Cheers,

Jack Lewis

6 Stacy January 8, 2009 at 9:43 pm

Damn it, does everyone have a Google Alert set for themselves these days? ;)

7 Jack Lewis March 4, 2009 at 10:01 pm

All kidding aside, Sharon, it’s possible that you may actually enjoy my bit in the April issue.

Cheers,

Jack

8 Zack July 4, 2009 at 2:45 pm

I back Jack. (Although that’s a sticker my dad used to wear on his hard hat referring back to Dr. Jack Kevorkian, I think it’s suitable here.) Thanks Mr. Lewis, your columns are just about the only thing I find worth reading in today’s motorcycle magazines. While your peers recycle a predictable list of superlatives to describe how every bike reviewed is the newest, fastest, sexiest, well, you get the idea; you really touch upon on the true joys of motorcycling. I still consider framing your “Dancing with the Devil” (Jan 09) on my wall; that article is rivaled only by Hunter S. Thompson’s “Song of the Sausage Creature” as the definition of why we ride motorcycles in my opinion. My hat’s off to you, sir.

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